hard

yesterday did end up being fun. me and heidi got bread sticks and watched monsters inc :)

today after i woke up i went and got my brother and we headed up to the hospital to visit my dad. it's crazy how different it is to be told something and to see it for yourself. i went in his room knowing that he didn't have complete control over the movement in his right arm and in his legs, and that his vision was bad, but to actually see it was....horrible. i guess that he has been improving though, and that's good. but when one day you see your dad being able to do everything independently, and the next day he needs help doing everything from shifting himself to be more comfortable, to not being able to swallow by himself, it's a little hard to take in. and because he has some damage to his vocal chords, he can only talk in a whisper. i'm not sure if it hurts him to talk. i hated seeing him like that. but they've shown him some things he can do to work the muscles in his throat to help. and some things to work on coordination. like e will hold up his index finger on both hands, and he'll hold the left hand in place, and move his right hand from by his face, and try to touch it to his other finger. he was almost able to get it, but they also said that his vision could also be preventing him from doing it accurately. it was so sad. other than that he can't do anything with his right arm. he moves it around a lot though. which i guess is better than before. they said yesterday he couldn't move it at all. we stayed up there for about five hours, just sitting with him watching movies.i guess his brother and sister left on wednesday and he was getting really lonely and sad, and he wanted us to go up last night but we didn't and i felt bad about that too. on tuesday they're injecting his vocal chords which is supposed to help him to be able to swallow and talk better, but he's going to need vocal therapy to be back to normal. which could take weeks and even months. and then he's going to have to go to physical therapy to help with his movement and that could also take months. this is so different from his last surgery. he wasn't there long enough for me to even be able to go visit him in the hospital. and the day after his surgery he want straight to my uncles wedding. anyway, it wasn't the best thing i've ever done :(

then right after that we came to dinner and that's where i still am. and i don't want to go to school tomorrow.